If you have experienced a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, or a stillbirth yourself, then you probably have a pretty good idea of what to say, what not to say, what to do, what helps, what to expect, etc. On the other hand, if you haven’t, then you might not know how to even speak to the family. You may be worried you’ll say the wrong thing. It may frighten you to even think about it and so you avoid them. You may talk, but studiously avoid the subjects of miscarriage, babies, etc., and avoid mentioning the baby’s name or referring to the event at all, in an attempt to avoid causing any more pain.

What a pickle.

Most people are aware of some of the things that are best not said, even if you’re thinking them. Just in case, here’s a partial list:

  • You’ll have more children (or, alternately, you have other children).
  • It was for the best.
  • There was probably something wrong with the baby.
  • It was God’s will.
  • Are you still upset over that?
  • It could have been worse. (note: Logically, anything could be worse, but does that really help?)
  • So, [when] are you going to try again?
  • You were too old (frail, nervous, tall, short, purple) to have a baby anyway.
  • It is all part of a bigger plan.
  • At least you know you can get pregnant.

When written down, it is fairly obvious that these are all insensitive things to say. Unfortunately, sometimes things just pop out. Everyone is human. If you accidentally dropped one of these bombs, it is perfectly acceptable to apologize and take it back.

So what do you say? Sometimes, the best thing is silence. Just sitting with someone, letting them cry, crying with them, allowing them to talk (without trying to fix everything), can be better than words. If you are tongue-tied and don’t know what to say, “I don’t know what to say,” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. “I’m so sorry,” can be sufficient too. Grieving parents don’t need people to fix their grief, they need people to allow them to grieve and to support them while they do. Grief doesn’t go away; if you try to suppress it it just pops up later when you are least expecting it. Sometimes the parents, especially the mother, will not want to talk to anyone afterward. This is reasonable. Gradually they will reintegrate themselves into normal life. You can always send a note or e-mail to express your sympathy if you feel they will not want to talk on the phone.

Another good thing to mention: don’t be afraid to say the baby’s name. Parents loved their babies and want to keep their memories alive. Saying the name won’t make the pain worse. Feeling that no one wants to talk about or remember your baby is much more painful.

Anniversaries are hard. And they’re not only obvious ones. Some possible dates: the original due date, the year anniversary of discovering the pregnancy, holidays like Christmas, Mothers’ Day [Good article on Mothers’ Day here] or Fathers’ Day, the year anniversary of the baby’s death or the miscarriage. Even if by God’s grace the parents are expecting another baby during one of these anniversaries they are probably still thinking sadly of the baby they lost. It is nice to acknowledge this by sending a note or mentioning to them, “I was remembering N. and thinking about you today.”

Do not be surprised if a subsequent pregnancy brings a renewed wave of grief. Each milestone in the pregnancy will bring back the parallel milestones from the previous one. Reaching the week in pregnancy when the previous baby was lost will be frightening for them. The entire pregnancy will probably be filled with more anxiety because the parents have learned that there are no guarantees. Even reaching labor and delivery does not land you on solid ground. It is not unusual for the birth of another baby to be accompanied by visible grief over the lost one. The best thing to do to support the parents during this time is to just be with them and listen. Do not give false reassurances (how do you know everything will be fine?) and do not minimize the anxiety. Offer love, compassion and prayers.

There are some practical things you can do to help. You can ask, “What can I do?” and you might get an answer. On the other hand, if the parents are in a fog it may be better to offer something specific: Can I run to the store for you? Would you like me to have the children over to play/pick them up from school? Could I keep the children for you while you are at the hospital? Also useful is bringing meals. I can testify from my own experience that I had no appetite for days after we found out Innocent had died and I lost quite a bit of weight. I had no interest in food and couldn’t think straight enough to cook. Fortunately my husband was able to keep going and provide meals for the children. Depending on how well you know them or how close you live to them, you can offer to do laundry, clean the house, cut the grass, or any other things that would be helpful.

There is no script for how to handle an encounter with a bereaved parent. There are some suggestions listed on this page, but this is not meant to be all-inclusive.

[I have since found an exceptionally good and comprehensive “Dos and Don’ts” list here.]