Everyone loves to tell their labor stories. I’ve found that stillbirth and miscarriage are no different. I had the same urge to tell the story of the labor and deliveries of my miscarried babies that I did with all of my full-term living children. It’s just that people typically don’t want to hear it. I’m not alone in having this experience.

Sharing your own story will probably be of benefit to you. But remember, in addition it will probably benefit someone else who is looking for help, encouragement or information. Despite the knowledge that miscarriage is not uncommon, I felt very alone when I first miscarried. Hearing others’ stories helped me more than I can say.

[Stories are roughly in order of gestational age.  Some of the stories are not written out here but linked back to their original sites. Any photos referenced will be found on the third trimester photos page.]

Thirty-three Weeks

Trish’s story: Evelyn

Story of Evelyn’s loss in utero at 33 weeks from unknown causes. Born after induced labor. Trish also wrote the “Specific to Stillbirth” page.

January 28, 2011

Dearest Evie,

I wanted to take a moment to write about your birth story. Just a few months before I became pregnant with you, we lost our little boy Elias at 10 weeks. I remember feeling sick at work for a couple days. I took a couple pregnancy tests and couldn’t believe I was pregnant with you. It had taken us much longer to get pregnant with your big brothers. I decided to wrap the pregnancy test up in a box and give it to your daddy. He was so happy when he opened it. I told him right away, “I think we are going to have a little princess.” He just laughed at me.

We were both a little nervous when I first got pregnant. We were afraid of losing you. For some reason I felt peaceful and calm. I felt confident that you were ok. I had always thought you were a girl, but then I started to doubt myself a couple weeks before your ultrasound. But when we went, you let us know that you were indeed a princess! We were so excited. When we went home for Christmas we got lots and lots of cute girlie clothes and blankets. It was so fun to look at all your new clothes and imagine how pretty and cute you would look in them.

On 1-11-11 I had a prenatal appointment. Everything went well. You were growing and had a strong heart beat. We were planning on having a water birth at home.

I love you so much and loved you since the moment I thought I might be pregnant. I treasured the sweet moments we shared. I loved feeling you twist, turn and wiggle. You weren’t a big kicker but you liked to stretch–sometimes until my skin became sore. I loved watching my belly bounce and move. You seemed to move the most when I laid down for bed at night. I loved having you with me everywhere I went. I loved spending my days with you. I would smile and rub my belly and tell you how much I love you. Your daddy would often kiss you good night. Your big brother loved rubbing my belly. He would snuggle up to my belly and loved rubbing my belly with his belly. You were loved by us all from the very beginning my dear one.

The last time I remember feeling you move was Friday night when I was in the bath tub. I laughed as I watched my belly jump over and over. I rubbed my belly and thought about you, looking forward to meeting you. The next day while we were at Vespers, the thought entered my mind that I hadn’t felt you move much that day. I thought that I probably hadn’t been paying attention. I prayed and prayed that I would feel you move, but I didn’t.

When we got home I decided to go to bed early, hoping I would feel you move when I laid down. Again, I didn’t feel you. My mind starting racing through so many different scenes. I tried to calm myself down and tell myself that I was paranoid and overreacting. I remembered my mom telling me that I had scared her when she was pregnant with me because she couldn’t feel me moving. I took a shower and went back to bed where I eventually found sleep. I awoke around 5:30 am and thought I felt you move. I later realized that this was probably a contraction but it reassured me at the time. Before liturgy I told your daddy that I wasn’t feeling you move. We both prayed for you during liturgy.

That afternoon I called my midwife and told her that I wasn’t feeling you move. I poked and prodded my belly. Daddy jiggled you, I laid on my side. I feel like I knew in my heart there was something wrong, but I kept trying to convince myself that I was probably worrying over nothing. I thought maybe you had moved towards my back and I just couldn’t feel you.

I remember laying down on the couch before we left to see my midwife, desperately hoping I would feel you. I felt you fall to the side with the movement of my body. I knew it was not an active movement. We met our midwife at her office that Sunday afternoon. All she could find with her doppler was my racing pulse. My hope sank along with my heart. Your daddy was in shock and I began to cry. We decided to go to the hospital where they would induce my labor.

At the hospital they confirmed what we already knew, your beautiful little heart had stopped beating. They induced me at 11:30 pm on Sunday 1-16-11.

By 11:30 am the next day I had only dilated 2 cm. They thought you may not be born until Tuesday. Your daddy had to make funeral arrangements while I labored. It all seemed surreal. A couple friends came to visit, and even rubbed my feet. My contractions were starting to get stronger. After they left, I went to the restroom and then sat down in a chair and then I was suddenly in hard labor–and I was all by myself. Daddy came in and was trying to ask questions about the funeral but I barely had time to talk between contractions. I ended up getting an epidural shortly after that. I got about 20 minutes relief when I started having to breathe through the contractions again. I was also starting to feel the urge to push. I told the RN and she had the hospital midwife come to check me. I was fully dilated. I had opened 5 cm in about an hour.

As soon as I realized I was ready to push I started crying uncontrollably. The pain of losing you was so great. I felt such pressure as they were preparing for me to deliver. I remember asking if I could push. When they were finally ready I began to push, sobbing the entire time. It only took a few pushes–probably less than 5 minutes and you made your quiet entrance into the world.

The nurse handed you to me. At first I could not look down at you, but once I did I was overwhelmed with a complex mixture of emotions. I had feelings of such deep pain and sorrow mixed with the feelings of awe and wonder at holding my beautiful newborn baby girl. You were so perfect and beautiful. You had dark hair and looked like your momma. You were much bigger than we expected, you were 4lbs 3oz and 19 inches long. We took turns holding you. We touched your hands and feet and little nose. We sang to you and kissed you and told you how much we love you. A dear friend arranged to have professional photos taken of you. We are so thankful to have such beautiful moments with you captured in pictures. A woman in the room next to us delivered her baby just minutes after you were born. Hearing her baby cry was such a painful contrast to the silence that filled our room. You were so peaceful and lovely. I remember thinking, “why won’t she just wake up?” The medical staff was not able to find any physical reason for your death. There was nothing visibly wrong with you or me or the cord or placenta.

I love you and miss you so much my sweet baby girl. I wish I would have been able to bring you home. Please pray for me.

Love,

Mommy